Bring the beat in,

Hello world. I'm blogging again. Cause I'm kinda bored.

Well, this one's about me, reflecting myself again. So imma be a self-absorbed freak now.

I just came back from Taiwan, and I've made a few good friends. I realised, people you don't know and you've never spoken to before, never never judge them, even through the good friends you know. Cause there were a lot of people whom I though was pretty bad, mean, selfish, well I heard a lot of rumours. I didnt like them at all, not one bit. And they told me they thought I was fierce and scary, I don't blame them, I was pretty unfriendly before the trip. During the trip, I got a chance to talk to them, I didnt want to communicate with them at the beginning, but we were 'forced' to talk. Through some activities we had to do. Then I realised they were pretty nice people, they were funny, high, understanding and friendly, just like anybody else. They weren't the mean and selfish flirts I've heard. I'm feeling so friggin' shit guilty right now.

I think I should apologise to them. Adelene and Sheila, I'm sorry.

Yes, I've heard a lot of things about you two, I didnt like you two, I bitched about you two, I've judged you two. And I'm wrong, I apologise right here right now. You two are awesome friendly people, and nothing they all said about you. I take back whatever I said about you two, and sincerely hope you guys forgive me.

I miss the Taiwan trip. I've learnt a lot. I've learnt not only things about Taiwan, but more about myself, more about the people around me. Any sec 1 or 2 reading this, please try for the Taiwan trip, it'll become one of your best memories in Secondary school. I thought this Taiwan trip wouldnt compare to the Netball chalet, but you know, I've enjoyed myself a lot at Taiwan. I'm still depressed that I cant make it to Netball chalet, but well, the Taiwan trip was an awesome alternative.

Germaine.Adelene

RenCie.ChengWei

Sheila.SiHan.QiWen

You guys rocked my week.

Screw this.

Warning:

Language used might be inappropriate, please leave now if you discourage vulgarities.

I feel so f-cked right now. First, Gab, from the previous post, now Gwen (from Ben10, also a fake name). 

Gwen, is my best friend.

I love Gwen.

This whole year was f-cked because her existance in my life was scarse (I think I used the wrong word but, you know what I mean). We used to be always together, I knew everything about Gwen first, and I was always the first one to be there for her, and vice-versa. We were like a meant-to-be best friend, it's like we knew what was going on in each others minds before the other even says a word. We had conflicts with out clique of friends for the past 2 years, but our friendship was still intact. Most prob cause we were in the same class. Until when we were forced to seperate.

That explains why this year was f-cked. It wasn't fine since the start of the year. But well, I have to understand. Gwen made new friends in his class, and well, they got pretty close. I wasn't as close to them, so sometimes I'd just keep my mouth shut and listen to them, trying to get what they say. I wouldn't say I was outcast, no, not at all. They were very nice people, but I was just not in their range of topics. I've missed everything that happened to Gwen. It was like, I didn't know as much as I used to know about Gwen's life any longer.

Being the less 'updated' one. I was always being 'updated' by Gwen's new clique about her. But the updation(is there such a word? Nah, I don't care now) is always a little too late. Probably an hour late, or 2 hours late, or perhaps I wasn't updated at all. I think I only knew things about her when I saw something happening to her. But it was always too late. She'd have her clique, 5 or 6 or 7 people around her, comforting her. And me? I'd just stand there, I feel like, even if I reach out to her, she'd have the other 5 or 6 or 7 strong enough to lift her back up again. What for, ask her about the problem she was facing again, and make her go through the pain all over again.

So well, I've been feeling this way since the start of the year, but I've also been recieving texts from Gwen, telling me how important I was and how the others could never replace me. That was some kind of comfort, at least I was still part of her. But as time passes, I started to doubt the words, till it never came anymore. I don't blame her, I seriously don't. It wasn't her fault anw, maybe it's suppose to be this way. Well I don't blame anything, it's probably, idk fate? Whatever it is, f-ck it. I'd screw it up with a chisel. Muthaf-ck.

I think I wasn't a good friend either. Shouldn't have let those stuff affect our relationship. But it was just.so.hard. I can't even breathe right now. I read her tweets, I know she's in pain but well, there'll always be people from her clique to reply to her tweets before I texted her. So, this proves that I'm not first anymore, and probably not needed as much anymore. Why not just slowly fade away, it wouldn't hurt as much for her like this, right? ....

I miss Gwen. I miss everything about her.
I miss going to her house.
I miss going out with her.
I miss the pictures we take when we go to the toilet.
I miss her phonecalls.
I miss when we text.
I miss slacking at somewhere random.
I miss her laughter.
I miss Secondary one and two.

And screw everything that tore us apart. Including myself.

Both of my most important friends are gone. The reason I'm still breathing right now is for: Netball, my teammates, my family, showing life that I'm not backing down, muthaf-cker -'- And of course, to still be there when both of them needs me.

Feeling emotional,

I wouldn't be blogging, but I'm feeling so bad right now, and I've got nowhere to rant. So here I am.

Lemme tell you I have a certain degree for friendships.
First, Best friend.
Second, you.
Third, close friends that I share abit of stuff with.
Fourth, friends that I don't trust.

Most fall under third and fourth category. I make it really obvious, so anyone reading this should know which category you fall under. Haha, I make it sound like so serious. It sounds dumb but, well I'm kinda dumb so. Oh well.

I'm gonna talk about you, a friend, that is very very important to me. This friend is different from others. I shall name this friend, Gabriel, Gabriel Iglesias. Rofl. It's so hard not to use a he or a she. Pssh. Hahaah, so Gab can be male or female. Nope, uh uh, not gonna tell. Trol.

Gab is a funny person, he cheers me up whenever I'm feeling down. He puts himself in my shoes, and think about stuff in a whole new perspective, unlike others. I like the way he thinks, it's different, it's something that someone else wouldnt think. (or maybe they do, they just don't dare to say it) That's why I admire him as well.

But people do have their flaws. Gab doesn't have much support from the things he does and the words he says. I wouldn't say I agree with him 100% either, but I know he does things for a reason and doesn't thinks with his butt before he says something. Tolerance, and understanding is all you need.

But altogether, Gabriel is a wonderful person.

We're close friends, I'd tell Gab everything, but I'm not sure about him. I really trust him, I don't even know I trust someone else that much besides my best friend. I rely on Gab a lot, sometimes more than my best friend. It's like how much you need your bed at night, as much as you want to stay up late, you just can't resist it. Gab was that important. But you know, sometimes, you're just not as important as you think you are. And I'm not as important to Gab as he is to me. I can feel it.

Then I come to realise that, he doesn't need me at all. I feel like a thousand pound burden. If someone doesn't need me, then wouldn't you be feeling, 'Damn, I'm like an annoyance'. It sucks, it really does. I thought I wouldn't need anyone who doesn't need me. I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wroooong. I wouldn't say what made me feel this way, but it's not just one incident that made me realised it. So I start to, drift away from Gab. I'm heartbroken. It's so hard inside, but it's so easy to act like you don't care. I make up stuff in my brain, to make me dislike Gab just a little bit more. But here I am, blogging about this and pulling out tissue paper. Seems like it's not working, huh?

Well, seeing Gab smiling makes me happy. So going to school smiling isn't very difficult for me, since it's easy for him to fake a smile, too.

Let's make this post as vague as possible, since it's an online diary. I think it's abit too obvious though. Oops. I don't know if Gab knows, but I hope he doesn't read this though. Lols.

Dude I miss you, but I can't bring myself to be an annoyance, a burden, anymore.